A few days ago I had my three month check up with my oncologist. At these check-ups my doctor looks at my blood to see if I am still cancer free. And so every three months I go to the same hospital as were I was in april 2015 for 10 days.
Those 10 days were the most intense, powerful days of my then 38 years of existence. From the moment I heard I had cancer, I started to transform naturally in a sense of being where trust, vulnerability, ease and connectivity were very present.
That experience gave me inner strength and empowerment to go through the journey of western medicine and the lines itself. Because my body being exposed to 8 chemo and immunotherapy treatments and 6 month blood thinners, antibiotics and Prednisolon intake left my body depleted. The transformation was an ingredient to be able to go through the western treatments with deep trust.
Now, from that experience to today, more then a year has past by and I feel less tuned in on a daily basis with that beautiful experience of trust, vulnerability, ease and connectivity. I believe that life is not to be present at soul level only. it asked to be lived on body and mind level too to face our daily challenges and routines. ,
For me the check-ups are an opportunity to connect with myself on that deep soul level again. I even have a whole ritual created around the check-ups to be able to experience the trust, vulnerability, ease and connectivity fully.
My three Month Check-up Ritual
First of all I do not tell my network when I have those check-ups. I only tell my husband and my father when they take place. My husband because well, he is entitled to and my father because he takes care of my two kids while I am at the hospital. That way I have no noise around the event of the check-up. As I trust that everything will be ok, I am not inviting fear to pop up in my mother's head or other friends and family members. And I do not have to deal with their feelings.
Secondly I go to the hospital alone. Yes you hear me, I go alone. I do not want somebody holding my hand. Going alone helps me tune in with myself on a deeper level. Going with another person makes me feel distracted by their feelings.
Thirdly I go and sit in the cafeteria of the hospital and write and share from that place where trust, vulnerability, ease and connectivity are present. The first thing I need to do when I arrive at the hospital is to give blood so that the doctor can tell me an hour later if I am cancer free or not. In that hour I sit in the cafeteria and in just a few minutes I feel connected again with my vulnerability, the preciousness of life, the uncertainty of things and I feel a deep sense of grace and humbleness
Jut being there and watching other patients chat with family and friends, some are receiving a chemotherapy infusion, other patients are running around in a wheel chair. It is easy in this environment to go to that place again. As in a hospital the imperfections of our bodies and minds are in full glory here! It makes me feel vulnerable, human and compassionate. I look at the people around me and see their vulnerability and humanity too.
Writing and Sharing from Vulnerability
And there from that place I write. I did it every time I had to go the treatments. And this time I choose to share my thoughts and feelings with a Facebook group called "Amsterdam Business Mamas" where I am an active member. Because we never share those vulnerable moments with others and I felt a desire to share my vulnerability and be bold about it. Not to receive applause, not to receive encouragement, not to receive compliments. I just wanted to share and feel connected with others in that moment on an online platform. As it still gives me the opportunity to focus on myself and share my vulnerable self in a bold way.
The response was unexpected. I received so many comments on that post, I was completely flabbergasted, moved and touched. I even received private messages where other community members shared their vulnerability with me. Now writing about it I see that in my life it happens again and again. When I put my armour down and write from that place of vulnerability their is connectivity. People respond to it, from a place of authentic deep connection.
When that happens I feel part of a large and wider community. And I realize that has been my longing since I was very small. Then I did not have the knowledge and the tools to be able to do that. Nowadays I am able to do that. It took me 38 years, and now I am practising and It is a wonderful thing to do. I am able to share my vulnerability when I feel my soulful self in a bold way with others where others feel that they can lower their armour and show their true self. Because then and only then we can really connect with others.
Now you do you have a ritual where you connect with your soulful self? Or what do you do when you feel vulnerable? Share with me. You can use the comment box below this post. Looking forward sharing with you!