In my prevous blogpost about my personal journey through cancer, I wrote about the gifts that cancer gave me. I felt so incredibly grateful for the uplifting experience. During the whole Getting better experience I felt an inner force that inspired me, loved me and took care of me like I was connected with something bigger then me. I felt connected with a spiritual force that is all around us.
I also felt very connected with my inner circle. I felt so much love and care for myself and my loved ones. I felt free to communicate from my heart without fear of being rejected or judged.
Not only in my inner circle I dared to express my true self, also in my work as a coach. I showed without shame or judgment my vulnerability and where I truly believe in. On Facebook I posted my deepest feelings every time I had a chemo treatment and felt so much freedom to express my true self. That was incredibly fulfilling for me.
In October a week after writing that article about the gifts of cancer, I heard from the doctor that I was cancer free. I already knew deep inside me, so it was not a surprise (my intuitive quality never fails me). The surprise was this:
I hit a wall. What? Yes, I hit a big grey wall. I felt empty, grey and experienced mixed feelings of relief and sadness. I also felt anger. Very much anger.
I felt very confused hearing that I was cancer free. So Now what? Am I going to live my life like before the journey through cancer? How do I deal with it, the effects of the chemo treatments? Do I act like nothing happened?
I felt completely overwhelmed and lonely by not knowing how to deal with this new situation. I now will have to deal with going to a check-up every three months the next two years to see if the cancer has grown or not. For me that is a curse AND realising that this journey with cancer is not over.
It also made me realise that when I heard that I was cancer free, I felt less free to express my truth.
And then it hit me. This is where I was so angry about. I was angry because this voice inside me started to mumble again saying: "You are not entitled to speak your truth anymore." "Now you have to stop talking about that spiritual crap. People are going to laugh at you and not take you seriously."
All of these feelings of confusion, overwhelm, loneliness where there because a part of me was sabotaging me. Resulting in not expressing my true self.
I feel grateful that I became aware of this sabotaging narrative and I ALLOW myself to express myself again because that was what gave me fulfillment in the first place. To be able to speak my truth from my heart and soul. To talk about things that are really true and inspirational to me. To give space to a spiritual layer that exists in me and to give that a place in my life.
I learned one thing from this illness and that is that I do not let fear guide me anymore. The moment I am aware that fear is playing games with me, I listen to it. I give it space but I do not let it sit at the driver’s seat of my life anymore. As it prevents me from living a soul-centered life. It prevents me from expressing my authentic and creative and soulful self.
For me a soulful life is about this:
"Being able to connect with your true self and let all the layers in yourself be true including the fear. When we make friends with that layer we can go deeper and connect with a beautiful peaceful place that is always there. Waiting for you, being available for you always because it is your home."
How does that work for you? Do you recognize that you are holding yourself back because of this inner sabotaging voice? This voice that prevents you from speaking and creating your truth? This voice that kills your soulful life?
I would love to hear your experiences and how you deal with fear. Go to the comment box below and share it. Sharing is healing :)
If you feel that you are at a place where you feel that fear is taking over and you are not able to give that space to design your soulful life and career then connect with me and see if I can help you take the steps in designing a heart-centered and soulful life or career.
I have designed a career coaching program where you deal with fear, self-doubt and blocks to be able to handle them, to transform them in experiencing trust. Trust and love for yourself to allow yourself to create a soul-centered career. More info
Related article: My learning through cancer, being present in my life